Just Another Question ...

[Aaron Stern]

Well, now that I'm 18 and my girlfriend Jennifer ("Starting January 1, it's Jennifer, no longer that
'Jen'-stuff!"  ) will be 18 in June, she suggested we should start a family shortly after her birth-
day and then have our first baby. Though I had thought about it once or twice before, it came somewhat out of the blue for me; proof maybe that girls are just a step ahead of us daydream
boys. Anyway, truth is that I know Jennifer since she's two years old, and I love her dearly, and,
as I've mentioned in another tread, I can't imagine life without her. Her and my dad are long time
business partners and best buddies, and all of us are dyed-in-the-wool nudies. So far, so good.
Problem is, neither she nor I ever had another boyfriend/girlfriend; we both, of course, have our
little flaws and rough edges, but overall we get along so well there was never a real need to
look anywhere else. And all of a sudden my dad tells me once Jennifer and I are married and have
kids, I might one day wake up thinking, "Wait a minute, did I miss out on something here;
there were so many other cute, beautiful, charming, intelligent nudie girls out there, why on G'd's
Green Earth did I get stuck with this one? Just because she was "there"? Just because I was too
lazy to get up and search for another/(maybe even) better one?" And then he mentioned some
research claiming in most cases (?) it was detrimental for a couple to never have had sexual re-
lationships outside their union, in other words, to never have the chance to "compare". To be
honest, I'm somewhat confused now because I didn't expect this topic to show up this soon and I
didn't recognize this specific problem ("never been with another girl") could possibly turn into a
major problem later in life. Is Ann Landers listening? No, she isn't  , so any advice from a fellow nudie? Aaron

[PirateJohn]

Personal opinion from an old fogie -- 18 is waaaaaaaaay too young to be having kids.  The two of you should be thinking about college and getting your individual lives set up before you even start broaching the topic of your long-term lives together.  Bringing a baby into the equation before you've got your lives set up with a career plan is just plain irresponsible, IMO.

That you've never had another girlfriend or her another boyfriend doesn't even enter into the equation compared to that.

Most people don't realize that nobody ever has a baby.  They have adults.

[wordloch]

I'm going to disagree with most of what Pirate posted.  You're not too young to get married.  I have firends that have stuck through it all no mater how difficult life has been.  My mom was 19 when she was married to my dad.  They have been together now for 33 years.  Of course there are failed marriages, but why would you even think about splitting if you've made this commitment?  No matter how bad thing might seem, you can always get through the tough stuff.  After the loss of Grace, there's no one I would rather be with than my wife.  I'll be keeping it that way.  No "what if's".  And if you or I should wake up one day thinking "what have I done", we should give eachother a real good swift kick i nthe pants to next month.  It's never worth the pain when people split.  It will be more painful to split than it would be to stay together and work it out (SAVE ABUSE, i'm talking about non-abusive situations).

As for the research, I find that it's someone who has an agenda.  There are many studies and "scientific" papers on stuff like that.  What you need to do in that case is find out who's funding the research.  If you want to study the effect of chocolate on women and how much they enjoy it.....be suspicious of the results if M and M's are funding the study.  There are times when I wish that sex was more often right now, but when we do come together, I feel guilt free and satisfied.  As an aside, If you do get her pregnant, sex is a a bit more difficult and a little less frequent.  though I'm not sure how often you are active now.......moving on....My wife makes me feel safe and secure to be intimate with.  I'll never feel like I'm missing out.  Especially when we've practiced together and have only improved over time.  If you decide to venture out, the sex wouldn't be as good as with the one you've practiced with many times. 

Babies are best born into marriage between two people that have a solid comitment to eachother.  Remember that she is always more important then the baby and yourself.  I know some friends that have ahd kids shortly after marriage.  I think there's not much more attractive in this world than a young couple that make eachother a priority with kids in tow.  As for the career stuff, you will probably have many different stations in life.  I was buried deep in the recesses of Biochemistry for 3 years and have moved away from that field to be a swim club coach and lifeguard.  I may move back to biochemistry, but I love this town and what I do for a living no matter how low the pay.  Don't wait until you can afford kids to have them because that will never happen.  Have them while you are young enough to have the energy and enjoy them.

Still take the time to make a decision.  You need to know how willing you are to enjoy life and be happy for what you have been given.  Be married for a while too before you have your first.  Make the relationship work before having a child.  But also, don't wait for something better in life to come your way.  The best place in life to be is here and now.  If you want to discuss anything further, you have my email addy or send me a PM.  Peace and blessings.

[xgsft]

My thoughts...

Get your college and careers going, get yourself somewhat stable on finances then talk about creating a kid. I could only imagine how hard it is to have a kid right out of highschool, not only because the only jobs one will find pays all of $500-$600/month, if you are lucky.  Further, you are only able to go out and have fun at your age once, go and enjoy it rather than having a kid tying you down! 

As far as marriage goes, get married for your reasons and yours alone.  Don't let anyone pressure you into something you will later regret.  I had a girl out of highschool whom I thought was the one, but...long story short I would have made a huge mistake had I married her.  Fortunantly I didn't have any outside forces in the relationship that was forcing us.  As had we wedded, I would never have met Lady_X!

Basically, get your life together, have fun, and for the love of Bob...BE CAREFUL!  Don't do something you will regret later!

[kensington25]

Yep I'd agree pretty much with what people have said so far. At this time in your life an education or your first job is important so get your foot up the ladder. Yep if you marry at 18 you may feel you wasted some of your life down the line but you may well also not regret a single moment and it'll be brilliant. 18 is young any way for most things whether driving, drinking etc. Marriage is a major comittment. You have to ask yourself if you want to get married for the right reasons, what you may want out of life at this stage and if you can offer that firm comittment that comes with marriage. Do you think you are mature enough or ready for those responsibilities? But above all ask if this is what YOU want. There's no rush. My sister met her husband when she was 18 and married him at 23.

It sounds to me that you are split in two minds about it and have some doubts at this stage. That's understandable and a sign that you may have some more thinking to do. No rush. If you are meant to be then you are meant to be. We spend our lives finding ourselves but 18 is particularly a time when we are entering the adult world and have a lot of exploring to do. If your love is strong and you are not ready to marry then stick with the relationship and wait. A strong relationship should survive. You are still young and there's no rush. Stick to your own instincts and don't let anybody pressure you into anything. As xgsft says get your life together and don't so something you'll regret. What ever you do do it because YOU want and because it feels right for YOU. Good luck  William

[Lady_xgsft]

Well, a lot of good things have been said, on all sides.  However I would like to speak from a personal experience and someone who has been in this exact situation.  I want to be very honest, probably to honest but on the other hand I think it needs to be said. 

I used to 18.  4 years ago.  I was a Senior in high school and I was in love with a wonderful guy.  We spent all sorts of time together on the phone, in person, doing everything under the sun, including sex.  I wanted to marry this guy.  I wore an engagment ring.  I set a wedding date.  I couldn't wait to get married and start a family, have a baby as soon as possible.  In fact we didn't do anything to avoid the chance of getting pregnant as it was.  I thought of nothing but how wonderful my life would be once I got married and we had a family.  I needed a man to provide for me and care for me and I in turn needed a baby to care for and provide for.  It was the way life was supposed to be, right?

My mother was adamently against us getting married and doing anything at all together.  She kept saying "Keep your eyes open, there are other guys out there.  You're with him because it's easy and convenient."  I didn't listen because well, she was my mother and she didn't know how I felt about him.  I loved him.  He was "the one". 

After being together nearly 2 years we went our seperate ways, over issues that I had known were there all along and just ignored becuase it was easy.  I was at this point 19.  I was living out on my own for the first time and he was going to be moving in with me, leaving his family behind.  I knew it was all or nothing and I chose nothing at that point.

Now that didn't leave me in a very good situation.  I was alone.  And I needed someone, and a baby, so I took the next guy there.  This landed me in a horrible situation.  I won't go into all the details, let's just say I ended up taking everything I could fit in my car when he wasn't home and I took off for my parents home, and I never looked back.

I took a year to be alone and enjoy my life.  I found out who I was and what I wanted in another person.  Until I took the time to do that, I didn't know anything that I thought I had known.  I grew up thinking I was one thing, and I am now completely different.  Why?  Because I was able to be 19, 20, 21, by myself and discover in my own time what I wanted with my life.  I went to college and I worked part time, I devoted my life to me and I coudln't have been happier. 

I had to crash and pick up pieces.  I had to decide that I didn't need anyone, man or baby.  I had to overcome HUGE inner stuff that had I been married and with child then I wouldn't have been able to get to those points.  I only lost 2 years of my life to that, not 20 and I am so thankful.  I would have woken up years from now and said "WHAT HAVE I DONE!" I would have probably walked out on a husband and children that I didn't want or need, all because when I was 18 I was in love and needed someone to take care of me. 

I do know that there are plenty of people who marry thier high school sweethearts and are happy forever.  However I also know that in a room of 20 people 1 of them has married thier high school sweetheart and is still with them.  Out of those same 20 people 10 of them are now 40, back in college and recently divorced from their high school sweetheart.  Until one is able to care for themself they shoudln't consider trying to care for another person, removing the infant from the equation entirely.  Money problems bring marital problems and marital problems are just that, problems.  Personally if I knew I could avoid a problem before it started then I would like to avoid it.

Listen to your parents.  I know it's hard but they usually do know what's right.  I learned this the hard way and I wish someone, an older friend had told me this when I was 18-19 instead of having to figure this out by myself later in life.  I'm not trying to discourage you from being in the relationship you are in but I would just be wary of any person who is saying such things.  It's not a good place to be in at the age of 18.  Girlfriends and Boyfriends are good and fun to have but until you know who you are and what you want then don't get in to deep, it only hurts in the end.

[DragonSoldier07]

Hell I'm 24 and feel like I'm too young to be a father already, haha.  Still I love my family and wouldn't trade them for the world, but I would probably recommend getting yourself ready for the world before bringing in another life into it. 

-Felix

[rzonmrcury]

I agree with the majority of posts here.  IMO, 18 is just too young to be getting married, not to mention having a child of your own. 

You and your girlfriend will do a LOT of growing and changing in the next few years.  If you ask me, I feel like I'm a totally different person at 24 (almost 25) than what I was at 18, and that was even true when I was 21 or 22!  If your relationship can change and adapt to the new things that will happen in both of your lives over the next 3 or 4 years, then I would have more confidence and security with the question of marriage.  If you marry now, but change so much in the next few years that you feel you hardly know the person you are married to, you will already be in big mess - and you won't even have an established career yet!  Add a child into the mix, and the situation just gets worse, IMO.

Yes, some high school sweethearts do get married and live happily ever after, but they are the exception rather than the rule.  IMO, both of you should go to college and live out your late teens and early twenties.  If you are still together after college (hopefully you will be!), I feel you will be much more satisfied and comfortable with the prospect of marriage and, eventually, children (wait a few years after you get married just so you can get settled down!).  If the two of you end up going your separate ways while you are in college, the breakup will be much easier to go through than a divorce would be, and much less costly financially.  Oh, and if you end up deciding that you want to experience something different than being with the same girlfriend that you've always been with, there are plenty of girls that go to college!  That does NOT advocate cheating, however!

[PL Tanner]

My wife and I were 19 and 20 when we got married.  It has been five years, we just bought our first home, and our first baby is on the way.  WE have no regrets, BUT we also have seen many more couples our age getting married and/or having children without being ready at all.  You are beginning the most rapid period of change in your lives, and that can be scary and lead to some bad decisions.  It worked for us because we had compatible goals and went through the changes together.  We grew even closer through mutual support, but others make premature commitments because they are trying to cling to the past and resist the changes ahead.  A relationship based on resisting your natural growth will never succeed.

What concerns me the most is that when she turns 18, she's saying she wants a baby, not just marriage.  Getting married young is risky enough, but the risk is between the two of you alone.  The stress you will go through in the next few years will be more than you expect, but if you love and commit to each other, you may have a very good chance.  Bringing a baby into the picture will add more stress that couples your age are rarely prepared for.  If you plan to be with her forever, then you have plenty of time to start a family.  When you do, you will be much more secure in your lives and able to handle the challenges of raising a child.  While I don't know your situation personally, a young couple's chances of staying together are slim if they rush having a baby.

Also, you will miss out on the MOST freedom you will probably ever have.  This past year, my wife and I have been out of school, no children, and have disposable income.  I can never explain how wonderful that is.  I don't make much money yet, but I made enough and had so much time to myself that I felt like a millionaire.  We are very excited to be having a child, but will miss this time.

My advice is to commit to each other before you commit to a new person.  Patience pays.  If you find that you grow closer together, marry that girl and enjoy your love as much as you can.  THEN have children.  You don't need to be with other girls or sleep around to know what you're missing if you're with the right person.  You will know deep down that it's right.

Good luck, and God bless.

[wordloch]

I was in school (grad school) and we were just about to have our first after being married for 2 1/2 years.  Then I took a bit of a leave as i'm kinda/kinda not working on finishing my thesis to graduate.  So i'm working now, but not in my field because of a lack of work where we were and higher demand for a coach/lifeguard here.  But i'm still technically in school.  My wife was working part time babysitting while I was at school.  now that we've moved, she's back in school practically starting over because very few of her courses can transfer.  So for us, we have really been financially strapped.  Vacations are just not possible.  We had a one night honeymoon in Banff.  Our disposable income is spent on maybe renting a movie and paying for luxuries like power.  We're not that hard off, it's just that we have a big budget and small single income pay.  A couple of the upsides is that we have not paid taxes to the government yet.  I'm glad that we have eachother and no matter how poor or rich we are, we will still be together.  Before you go out and both start a career and work, ask "can we live on one income?"  It is best not to live above your means with one of your incomes.  If you live to budget with two incomes, children should never really ever be apart of your life.  Work hard and marriage and kids later will never be a financial burden, but a joy.  You will also have one parent always looking after the kid(s). 

[ElKhazike]

DO NOT HAVE A KID YET!!!

I watched my brother rush into having a kid when he was 21, the marriage fell apart, and how he's basically stuck in a hell hole of a town for the next 15 years until the kids are grown. When you choose to have a child there is absolutely no going back, so why don't you wait 5, 10, or even 15 years to go out and live your life and experience as much as you can before you have stop living for yourself and start living for you children. I promise you'll be able to have kids after going out and living in your own world for a while, unfortunately the reverse is not true.

Also I don't know if anybody here listens to Dr. Drew but just the other night he was talking about how it's really not a good situation for a couple who has been together for that long to think about spending the rest of your life together. First off your too young to be making that big of a decision, and the fact that you've been together your whole life means you have no idea what you may be missing. So Aaron I don't know if his opinion would mean anything to you but he is a very well respected love doctor and if you were to tell him your situation he would DEFINITLY tell you to go out, be with other women, live your own life, and stay away from marriage and children until your older.

[drdutah]

My parents set me and my girlfriend down and had us put on a piece of paper what it would cost to be married and the income we would have. Mine wasn't bad as I have a decent income for being single. With the income I have for leasing a few wheat fields and cow pastures to others from what I bought from an uncle last year and rent from a couple of friends in my so called house along with the work I do for my dad I can afford to go to school and have no student loans. Then my girl friend wrote down her expenses, what a suprise! Her car loan , school and insurance bills were a big suprise that somebody our age could have such expenses. Then my mother wrote down what a baby would cost per year until the baby was 5. She also pointed out that was only for 1!  After that my dad wrote down what the improvement would cost to my place to make it suitable for a family to live in and then deducted out the money I was making from my roommates ( it wouldn't be good for them to stay) and added in what it would cost for outside help to do what they help me with. To start getting ready I will probably go to work for one of the oil companies drilling in this area but the schedule is brutal, 3 weeks at 12 hour per day then a week off. It is going to take this summer and fall and the same next year working those hours to get me to the point I will have the money to get married and fix up my place good enough for a family to live right and still finish school. With those hour, along with the time I need to keep tings going here, I am sure I won't have enough time for a girlfriend and to keep happy ( I am sure that is what my parents are planning on). Just be careful and don't rush into anything, it is not so much for you but your future child.

Mike

[Bobbert]

I can understand where parents are coming from when they say that you might want to look around a bit before settling on one partner, but I don't understand how you're supposed to do it.  If you are serious enough to consider a permanent commitment to someone, how are you just supposed to drop them to go meet other people for a while?

[rzonmrcury]

I don't think you're supposed to just drop your significant other in this circumstance, Bobbert.  I think the appropriate thing to do is wait.  Just wait.  Continue with your relationship, if you so choose, but hold off on taking such a big step, like marriage or children, until a little time passes and - in the case of Aaron and his girlfriend - change happens.  I think there is typically a lot of change for most people from 18-22 or so, and it doesn't just automatically stop at 22, but it begins to slow down a bit.  If a couple is able to adapt to the new changes in life and continue with their relationship in a good state, the so be it - but many times these changes will make a person (or even both people) realize that they are not the best for each other or that they want different things in their own life compared to their partner.  Sometimes that leads to a breakup, while it may lead to a stronger relationship in other instances.

[Hawk]

Personally, I don't think your age in numbers is the issue.  Do you feel you're capable of holding up a family at your state of maturity?

I can't imagine I'd be ready that quickly out of the teenage years, but it depends on the person.